Yesterday your baby sister was married to the man of her dreams and her "baby daddy" lol. I know you would have been so proud of her for meeting her perfect match! I also know you would have been so astounded at how beautiful she looked in her wedding gown. Well being the Mother of the Bride for most mothers only means being escorted to the unity candle and then to their seat. Not for me, I stepped into your place as the Matron of Honor (Married is Matron) and she chose Britni for her Maid of Honor! We all wore yellow in your memory (Alisa's idea). As hard as it was to see my baby girl growing so fast and getting married it was equally hard going though this festive time without you here. We all missed you and chose to honor you in the program that was given out. Brittney, please don't ever think that you have been forgotten because that is so far from the truth. I still miss you more and more every day. It doesn't get better at all it seems to be getting worse. Since the kids have moved out, I think I am getting worse and worse everyday. I always manage a smile and try not to show the world how I feel but when I come home I break!! Each day I cry myself to sleep missing you so bad. I want to just reach out and give you a hug, comfort you from a bad breakup, encourage you to push yourself to set goals, give you advise on money, etc. All the things we talked about when you were here. I want to hear your voice- I want to feel your touch- I want to see you smile again- hear you laugh- listen to your crazy little self making us laugh- anything, even one of your bipolar episodes I would trade my life for just one. Yesterday as always, it felt as though something was missing from the ceremony. I even played the song "How do I Live" in your memory though I knew it would only be sentimental to Me and Alisa. I didn't care if anyone liked or didn't like the song it was for you! You and Autumn used to sing that song all the time. Remember in Walmart that time that we went after the movies and Alisa and I couldn't find you two anywhere. We noticed a crowd in the Electronics and went to see what was going on. Surprise, surprise, it was you and Autumn singing Karaoke on one of their display machines! You had drawn a crowd to hear you sing and that just encouraged you to keep singing more! How funny. I will never forget those days. I will never forget any of those days we had that were so special. I love you so much and miss you more than anything. Alisa and Jordan and baby Cayden will always be fine with you watching over them and with all the support of their families. But me, I will not be fine. I don't want to be here on this earth without you. Some days are worse than others. Today is a very bad day. Even though the wedding went so well yesterday. I worked so hard to get everything set up to be as perfect as it could be. Now, more emptiness- what will I do now to occupy my time. Paint the house? Maybe! I will try but that is all I will promise. My days of happiness seem to be over. My days of feeling loved unconditionally are gone. I try to be who everyone thinks I should be. But I never did that with you. You knew I wasn't perfect, why?, because I told you from the beginning that I was your mother and no one is perfect and that even I make mistakes. And I have- I have made a lot of mistakes in this cruel life. But you know I have changed so much. I would do anything for a Route 44 Bacardi Rum and Coke.... but I will not do that because of the way my feeling are right now I am almost a wanna be Alcoholic. So I don't drink, if I did and it kept me from thinking and feeling so bad I would never stop! I have an addictive personality and know that so I choose to stay away from it. Please continue to keep a watch over the kids (all three) and make sure they take care of themselves. I am counting the days when I can join you up there and we can be together once again. You once told Casey that it was none of his business if you wanted to tell me everything that was going on between the two of you because I was your mother but also your best friend!!! I have always felt the same and I feel like I have lost two people that were the closest to me in this world. Without you I am empty- EMPTY. It is hard to show love to the ones I love because I am so sad and alone. Confusion over all my emotions is also there. I can't seem to put my finger on how I feel. When I have a half way decent day without breaking down I start thinking, "Hey, I made it a little better today." All that does is make me think I should never feel like that because you are not here to share these days with. So instead I turn the smile upside down and just focus on work until I get home when I can break down with no one around. I love love love you and miss you more and more daily. You used to tell me that you loved me as much as infenity- not sure how to spell it (after you learned that it meant never ending). Well that is how I feel and nothing can ever change that. I miss you so much I will never be able to say good bye. I will only wish for the next time we can see each other again. If possible, can you please let me know by some kind of sign that you are doing ok. Keep singing, keep smiling, keep joking, keep being yourself!!! I WILL BE THERE SOON! I LOVE YOU!